An Appeal To Fans, by John Lackey

Dear Red Sox Nation,

Guys--come on. Am I really that bad?  Do I deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as Matt Clement, Steve Avery, and Matt Young? Blarghararghargh argh. I think not ladies and gentlemen.  How many times did those guys shut down the Yankees this late in the season? That's what I thought.

Sure, my ERA is as hefty as my lower jaw, but just look at what else I bring to the mound. Blargharargharghargh.Who else will give you guys the riveting interviews that I can? Blargh. Who else will stand there and bulldog Rocco Cervelli as he claps in Salty's face. No one but me baby. I'm the Roy Hobbs of hitting people between the numbers. The spittle running down my chin alone strikes fear in the hearts of men.

 Bllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

Some people make the assumption that my IQ is a tad low, hurling epithets such as "Professor Lackey" my way. That's fine, I can handle the pressure. But I ask you, is my diminutive mental capacity such a bad thing? I can barely remember the last hitter once he steps out of the box. Seriously, I don't know who that guy was that I drilled last night, or even what the fight was all about. I just remember closing my eyes really hard like I do at night when the lights go out, and throwing the ball as fast I could to make the scary ghosts fly away.

Boy, they can get really frightening sometimes. Just like that guy on my cereal box Count Chocula. He scares me every morning with his devious laugh, constantly staring at me with those bug eyes. But my wife just tells me to close my eyes and count to ten. Most of the time it calms me down. Sometimes, Jason has me do the same thing on the mound, but I just end up imagining him as my wife, and I get confused. Sexually.

Blargharghargh...uh, where was I? Oh right, someone told me that I was a World Series hero once. I don't know about all that. All I know is that I thought I was signing in Milwaukee and I ended up here. Mr. Henry promised me they were hiring Soce to manage out here and that was good enough for me--I signed right up.  I was hoping to experience all of the fine beer and cheeses in Wisconsin, but Mr. Henry keeps me stocked up with Count Chocula, so that's good too.

Sometimes they let me watch my cartoons on the giant scoreboard in the bleachers, which is pretty cool. I invited my friends Jered and Torii over to watch Phineas and Ferb with me someday, but they're always too busy to come. I guess I'll just have to play this giant XBox by myself for now.

Anyway, you guys sure are loud out there, and a little scary too. Could you tone it down a little bit? I'm tired of imagining you all naked to calm my nerves, I need all the brain power I can muster out there.

Thanks, John Lackey

Boston Red Sox